edg: (loserpig)
I honestly had forgotten about LiveJournal (like, it didn't occupy a space in my conscious mind at all) until I saw someone on Twitter talking about how they got crap for having a four-letter .com address, and that reminded me of all the crap I got from people who wanted to do LJ roleplaying as EDG from Gaming Guardians, and then I thought, "Hey, I haven't checked LJ in a while," and it turns out that I entirely forgot to do a year in review in December, and here it is mid-April, so you know, why the hell not?

It's weird that it's been longer since I defunked this journal than it was between when I started it and when I defunked it. It was such a huge part of my life that it feels like the duration of my active use should have been two or three times longer than my absence, but here we are.

Last year I started a business, called Delight Specialist. It's where I put most of my creative effort these days, and I encourage you to go check it out.

Lots of stuff happened late last year that I don't really want to get into in a public forum, but suffice it to say that I'm still dealing with the fallout, that I'm not happy with any of it, and that as a result I might be packing up entirely and leaving Indiana behind. It's a hard decision (made harder by the fact that I have no money) but I think it's the right one. Nothing left for me here now except memories, which I can take anywhere I want.

I've made it a goal to spend at least 50% of my time traveling. I haven't even left the state since January 2, and I haven't been outside Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Delaware since 2007. That's kind of sad considering the kind of wanderlust I have, and I think it's time that that changes. I might be buying an RV if I can put the money together, in which case, strictly speaking, 100% of my time would be spent traveling. I like that idea a lot.

I think that's about it for right now - a general idea of what I've been up to.

Tell me about yourself! How have you been? What have you been doing? Is there anything amazing that I should know about? Comments are screened, so go nuts.
edg: (iCicero)
Edit 8/24/13: Wow, this was a terrible fucking idea. But seven years later I've finally matured enough that I can work with the responses I got, so I'm still immensely grateful for them, at least.

This is a form of personal therapy. I'll state that right up front so no one's confused about it. I am trying to fix myself.

Please read this. I know that it's dense, but it's important to me that you read it.

One of my problems has always been that I tend to sublimate disappointment and upset. I don't mean that to read as though I don't ever show outward symptoms; I always do. (Whether they're noticed by anyone else - well, that may well be a different question.) I mean that I do my best to suppress the symptoms, and the upset and disappointment themselves. This has led me to a point where any upset or disappointment, no matter how minor, has disproportionate effects, because I have the pressure of something like fifteen years of sublimation to add to whatever I'm feeling. And as a result, not only is it getting a lot harder for me to suppress and sublimate my disappointment and upset, but pretty much all of it gets blown out of proportion in my mind.

The problem with this is that I'm too good at suppression. It's getting harder, but I also know exactly what I have to do to sublimate anything that comes my way, up to a certain point. So I've been spending a lot of time lately isolating myself from everything, a lot of time doing nothing - or ultimately meaningless things that make me feel better (and I don't need to hear about how making me feel better gives the activity meaning, thanks, because no, it doesn't) - a lot of time sublimating. Eventually this will get to the point where I'm not leaving my apartment for days at a time because I don't want to have to deal with the "inevitable" disappointment of the outside world. And I really, really don't want to get to that point.

What I'm looking for is catharsis.

I want something to hurt me so badly that I can't suppress it. This isn't a masochistic urge; it's a self-preservation urge. I don't want to have to keep lying about how I feel to the people I care about; I don't want to end up not interacting with anybody, ever. I want to be able to say "I'm just fine" and mean it. I want to stop avoiding people because I'm afraid of how they'll disappoint me, or of how I'll disappoint them. (Or how I'll disappoint myself.)

In the words of one Tyler Durden, I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

Hurt me. I am inviting it. If you have ever held something back because you thought I wouldn't like it, tell me. If you have ever wanted to hurt me and stopped yourself for any reason, let it loose. If there is anything you want to tell me that you think will devastate me, I welcome it. Please hit me as hard as you have ever wanted to. I just want to feel anything other than this cold pressure in my chest.

I am screening comments to this post; in return, I ask that you not post anonymously. (If you can see this, you have a LiveJournal account, so there's no problem in that regard.) I will not respond to any of them in comments, although I may respond by email, especially if you ask me to. I will not hold anything that you say against you; if I did, this wouldn't work. On Wednesday I will be private-locking this post forever. What you say here is between you and me.
edg: (Broken)
My social interaction parser is broken, perhaps fatally so. I know that there are non-standard social interaction patterns out there - and by "non-standard" I mean "anything other than generic friendly behavior"; the problem is that I don't see half of them, and when I do notice one, I throw an error, stop interacting, and don't start interacting again until the error is resolved, either because I've figured out what went wrong or because the pattern stopped.

For perceived negative non-standard interactions, I assume a write error: I have done something wrong. I won't start interacting again until either the pattern stops or I've figured out what I've done wrong.

For perceived positive non-standard interactions, I assume a read error: I am misinterpreting this. I won't start interacting again until either the pattern stops or I've figured out what the pattern really is.

In neither circumstance am I necessarily right.

There are two major consequences of this. The first is that I tend to stay away from social situations unless I am explicitly invited into them (this extends, in extreme circumstances, to leaving groups that have formed around me), and to leave a situation I've entered if I happen to notice a perceived negative non-standard interaction - and remember, "standard" for me is "generic friendly", so even basic neutrality often comes across as negative!

The second consequence is that I very often simply don't notice or understand what you might consider basic social cues, which means that, quite frankly, you can't rely on them to convey information. If you want me to know something, you must tell me, or you run the risk of not getting your message across.

I'm sorry about this. I really, really wish I were different. I really wish I could figure out how to be different, but I can't.
edg: (You are here)
...to start a semester not feeling like I'm unwelcome and being an imposition everywhere I go.

Not my day

Oct. 24th, 2005 04:06 pm
edg: (Blank)
This has actually been an overall-positive day. I turned my History paper in, did well on my Latin exam, and did my laundry (except for two pairs of jeans that wouldn't fit in the washer).

On the other hand, this is one of those days where I feel like I'm irritating people just by existing. Of all of the people I encountered today, only Michelle (History professor), Steve (Latin professor), and Pat (in the registrar's office) didn't seem somehow irritated with me. (And that was before I was the first one done with the exam.)

I don't know. Maybe I'm just not reading people right. But it's really hard to make friends with someone (two someones, really) from whom I get the impression that she doesn't actually want to be around me in a social context.
edg: (Disappointed)
...is my utter lack of body confidence. This is why I haven't been to Fencing Club but once; I can't stand to put myself out there like that, not looking like I do. This is also a major factor in my not going to the athletic center. I don't want to be out there, exposing myself to ridicule that I know almost certainly wouldn't come.

It's funny: I can't stand not having external validation of the things I think I'm doing well (writing, etc.), but for the things I think I'm doing poorly, I need nothing but my own paranoia.

Anyway. Comments screened. I'm not really asking for advice, but I won't say no if folks want to give it. (And although this is tagged depression, I'm deliberately not screening it.)
edg: (Bunny ears)
Other people can influence how I feel, but I'm the only one who can control it.

I wish I could control how motivated I feel too.

EDIT: I've just stumbled over a most useful Latin sentence: nescio quid scribam. The textbook uses it as an example of a use of the subjunctive (scribam): "I don't know what to write". (Literally, "I don't know what I should write".) But nescio quid has an alternate meaning; literally, it's "I don't know what", but it can also mean "something". So nescio quid scribam could, if you look at it loosely enough, mean "I should write something".

Nescio quid scribam: I don't know what I should write, but I should write something. The writer's eternal lament.

I love Latin.


Sep. 14th, 2005 04:15 pm
edg: (Dark angel)
Self-loathing is not easily curable. It also festers if it's allowed to stagnate, which is why I post about it here.

However, it's also not something that people generally want to read about. I know this is true; there's no need to say "oh, I don't mind" or "oh, it's your journal". It makes people uncomfortable because they don't know how to fix it, or how to help, or even, a lot of the time, how to respond.

So here's the deal.

I will be making a "Depression" filter. Anyone may opt into this filter by commenting here. All posts in the Depression filter, provided that I remember to do so, will have screened comments (as will this post), so that you can respond freely.

Do not feel obliged for any reason to opt in. I will not be upset if you don't. Likewise, if you do opt in, do not feel obliged for any reason to comment on the entries you see.

Keep in mind that I will, from time to time, be baring my soul behind this filter. For that reason, I reserve the right to remove anyone.

Other than that, this will be my last public depression-themed post for the foreseeable future.
edg: (Bunnies)
+ I successfully argued myself into an 11/10 on the Poetry quiz from Tuesday. (I honestly didn't mean to. I just wanted to know why "the brown enormous odor he lived by" wasn't synechdoche.)
+ Actually, it's kind of funny: I am less happy that I got my grade bumped than that several other people did too, because they answered the same way!
+ I was told that I "totally rocked Poetry" today.
+ I made it through seven and a half hours of classes without keeling over, despite being more miserably sick than I've been in a long time, and despite having no medication whatsoever except a mug of tea first thing in the morning.
+ I got my paycheck cashed.
+ I got medication for my cold.
+ I got my watch battery replaced.
+ Dinner was pretty good.
+ I managed to run a two-hour game (sorry, guys) online. This was further enhanced by my composing all of the GM poses in iambic pentameter for the hell of it.
+ I reassured a friend that no, I'm not avoiding her, it's just that my timing sucks and I've been distracted.
+ I only have one class tomorrow, and I've already done most of the reading for it, and the reading is The Iliad so I don't think I'll have too much trouble doing the rest.

- Oh my God I'm miserable. (This is due entirely to the Head Cold of Doom.)
- I totally bombed the Latin quiz. (Seriously, if I get any points I'll be surprised.)
- I forgot that herbal tea, while great for colds, has interesting effects on my digestion. Thank God for stashes of Immodium.
- I actually have to do, like, work work this weekend.
- I've been having a lot of moments of crushing despair recently, although they might be side effects of the misery (see above). This afternoon the theme has been "this is all I get. Once I'm done with school, there isn't any more for me. I can't afford grad school. I'm barely managing to deal with school and work now. I'm going to be stuck doing things I don't want to do for the rest of my life."

But the positives outweigh the negatives, so I can go to bed with a happy heart.


Aug. 30th, 2005 12:32 pm
edg: (Crazy)
Love (III)
Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guiltie of dust and sinne.
But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning,
If I lack'd anything.

A guest, I answer'd, worth to be here:
Love said, You shall be he.
I, the unkinde, ungrateful? Ah my deare,
I cannot look on thee.
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
Who made the eyes but I.

Truth Lord, but I have marr'd them: let my shame
Go where it doth deserve.
And know you not, sayes Love, who bore the blame?
My deare then I will serve.
You must sit down, sayes Love, and taste my meat:
So I did sit and eat.

- George Herbert

This poem was the focus of discussion in Poetry today, and it occurred to me that the sin of the speaker - that of Pride (I know better than you, Lord, why I am unworthy of your grace) - is one of mine as well. I don't know how to fix it, though. How do you stop feeling unworthy, and righteous in your unworthiness?
edg: (Bad math)
I was going to whine here about how the dining hall just makes me lonely, because I see all this social activity and I'm not part of it. I had a great metaphor that involved lenses.

Then I remembered that I'm not supposed to be whiny.

So it's gone now.

(By the way, there is at least one person in the immediate area who reads this journal. Please don't take my complaints about being lonely as being passive-aggressive attempts to get you to hang out - I certainly don't mean them that way. I'm just bitching; I keep forgetting that there are people nearby these days who might not take these posts as just me kvetching about something I don't expect anybody to change.)
edg: (Blank)
This year, I resolve to try to be happier.


Aug. 22nd, 2005 12:04 pm
edg: (Broken)
I need an "I am a horrible human being" icon.


Aug. 6th, 2005 09:38 pm
edg: (Broken)
When I think about the foreseeable future, it's all I can do not to break down in tears, because I can't think of the next time when I'm going to be able to get a decent night's sleep.

If it's not Alex, it's moving. If it's not moving, it's school. If it's not school, it's work.

I'm so damn tired. I just want to sleep well, and not be exhausted from the time I get up to the time I go to bed.

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