Jan. 23rd, 2006

edg: (iCicero)
Edit 8/24/13: Wow, this was a terrible fucking idea. But seven years later I've finally matured enough that I can work with the responses I got, so I'm still immensely grateful for them, at least.

This is a form of personal therapy. I'll state that right up front so no one's confused about it. I am trying to fix myself.

Please read this. I know that it's dense, but it's important to me that you read it.

One of my problems has always been that I tend to sublimate disappointment and upset. I don't mean that to read as though I don't ever show outward symptoms; I always do. (Whether they're noticed by anyone else - well, that may well be a different question.) I mean that I do my best to suppress the symptoms, and the upset and disappointment themselves. This has led me to a point where any upset or disappointment, no matter how minor, has disproportionate effects, because I have the pressure of something like fifteen years of sublimation to add to whatever I'm feeling. And as a result, not only is it getting a lot harder for me to suppress and sublimate my disappointment and upset, but pretty much all of it gets blown out of proportion in my mind.

The problem with this is that I'm too good at suppression. It's getting harder, but I also know exactly what I have to do to sublimate anything that comes my way, up to a certain point. So I've been spending a lot of time lately isolating myself from everything, a lot of time doing nothing - or ultimately meaningless things that make me feel better (and I don't need to hear about how making me feel better gives the activity meaning, thanks, because no, it doesn't) - a lot of time sublimating. Eventually this will get to the point where I'm not leaving my apartment for days at a time because I don't want to have to deal with the "inevitable" disappointment of the outside world. And I really, really don't want to get to that point.

What I'm looking for is catharsis.

I want something to hurt me so badly that I can't suppress it. This isn't a masochistic urge; it's a self-preservation urge. I don't want to have to keep lying about how I feel to the people I care about; I don't want to end up not interacting with anybody, ever. I want to be able to say "I'm just fine" and mean it. I want to stop avoiding people because I'm afraid of how they'll disappoint me, or of how I'll disappoint them. (Or how I'll disappoint myself.)

In the words of one Tyler Durden, I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

Hurt me. I am inviting it. If you have ever held something back because you thought I wouldn't like it, tell me. If you have ever wanted to hurt me and stopped yourself for any reason, let it loose. If there is anything you want to tell me that you think will devastate me, I welcome it. Please hit me as hard as you have ever wanted to. I just want to feel anything other than this cold pressure in my chest.

I am screening comments to this post; in return, I ask that you not post anonymously. (If you can see this, you have a LiveJournal account, so there's no problem in that regard.) I will not respond to any of them in comments, although I may respond by email, especially if you ask me to. I will not hold anything that you say against you; if I did, this wouldn't work. On Wednesday I will be private-locking this post forever. What you say here is between you and me.

December 2015

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