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NaNoWriMo
I'm done.
Period.
Not in the good way, either. I have 1/10 of what I need, and I know I'm not going to make it, and I know why I'm not going to make it. I'm not writing to a deadline; that I can do, and the proof is in playtest. I'm writing because of a deadline, and as a result, I don't actually care about what I'm writing. And since I don't care, I can't do it.
So I'm done with NaNoWriMo, this year and for the foreseeable future. The level of stress that comes with writing something I don't care about for a deadline that doesn't matter - and the hammering my self-worth takes, the I'm not good enough feeling that arises from knowing that I can't do it, that I won't be able to do this - just isn't something I need.
I may finish what I started; I may not. Right now I can't write it because I really don't give a damn anymore about what happens, since the only reason - the only reason - I started was so that I could get 50,000 words on the page within 30 days. When the novel makes a difference to me again, maybe I'll start it up again.
This does not mean that I'm abandoning Frontier or Aleae Iaciens; in fact, I'm hoping that giving up on NaNo means that I'll have more time - and more energy, and more desire - to write about gaming.
Period.
Not in the good way, either. I have 1/10 of what I need, and I know I'm not going to make it, and I know why I'm not going to make it. I'm not writing to a deadline; that I can do, and the proof is in playtest. I'm writing because of a deadline, and as a result, I don't actually care about what I'm writing. And since I don't care, I can't do it.
So I'm done with NaNoWriMo, this year and for the foreseeable future. The level of stress that comes with writing something I don't care about for a deadline that doesn't matter - and the hammering my self-worth takes, the I'm not good enough feeling that arises from knowing that I can't do it, that I won't be able to do this - just isn't something I need.
I may finish what I started; I may not. Right now I can't write it because I really don't give a damn anymore about what happens, since the only reason - the only reason - I started was so that I could get 50,000 words on the page within 30 days. When the novel makes a difference to me again, maybe I'll start it up again.
This does not mean that I'm abandoning Frontier or Aleae Iaciens; in fact, I'm hoping that giving up on NaNo means that I'll have more time - and more energy, and more desire - to write about gaming.